Time for us to become the family we dream of...

So I woke up this morning at 7am like I have been for the past week. Mind you this is before Faith woke up this morning. So there was no crying coming from the baby monitor, yet I still woke up. By the time I made it up the stairs to make Faith bottle I could hear her start to wine. So I went to her room unswaddled her, changed her diaper, and put some pants on her, then gave her the bottle. As I was walking out of the room she was already closing her eyes while drinking her bottle. Ahhh... I thought now I can go back to sleep for a little. NOPE!! My body is up. No sleep for mommy. Also no naps for mommy in awhile. So I have a list of things I've been putting off for a while that I started on. Then I started thinking... If I have been putting this list of important things off, and putting off house work, what else have I been putting off?? Well I haven't been doing my best job as a person, mom, or Fiance. Which makes me feel crappy. Not what I want to feel like early in the morning. So from now on I'm not putting off things I know I need to do and want to do. I mean say I want to go on a vacation, yeah that has to be put off due to money, time, and child care issues. I want to do things like get our new condo in order, workout so I'm in shape for this Color Run, and Have fun with my life. 

I'm tired of caring about things that don't matter. I want to stop feeling depressed and live my life. I want to be the kind of mom that makes all the meals for the family, Plays with the kids till they fall asleep on the floor, learns how to do crafts so my home is part of me. I want to be the kind of Fiance that talks about our problems rather than runs from them or shuts down. I want to be the kind of person that is healthy and smart.



I can not wait to start. I know that all of this takes time. 24 hours is never long enough to finish this all. From now on each day will be filled with happiness and love. I need to remember that sure things will not go as planed. That people will walk into my life as well as walk out. That kids are kids and sometimes ( most the time) things you plan with them will not go the way you thought. I also need to remember that Love can never be strong enough.

Good enough for myself?

As I have gone through life I have always wonder if I was good enough for someone? But I have now came to think maybe I never thought that I was good enough for anyone because I don't think I'm good enough for myself... I haven't ever really thought about it until now but I think it's true.
I've always have found myself jealous of girls who are pretty and fit. And when I have thought I've looked ok I've always had to fish for comments from people just to feel good. I have also started to see I'm a control freak towards my bf.. Honestly what am I becoming?? This isn't me, I need to change. I need to become the girl who is good enough for herself. I need to stop thinking everyone is so perfect and that I'm just some loser. Just because I have children does not mean my life has to stop. I need to set time out of each day for myself so that I can think of myself better. I know I can do better and will do better, but it's all about the start and staying on track.

Life after being pregnant...

Other than it being so very hot outside which I hate I'm still not so happy. Don't get me wrong I love my little family so much. I just am having a hard time with two babies. Faith is so beautiful and I love her with all my heart, but she never wants mommy to put her down. Adrianna now throws such big fits that by the end of the day I always have a headache because of both of them, plus just normal stress I have about bills and things.
I have finally decided though what I want to do with my life. Only took me what feels like forever. I want to go to beauty school and get my degree there. Then I want to be able to open up my own salon one day. I'm super excited about it all. There are two school close to me to pick from. One is within walking distant, the other I would have to drive to but if I go full time I could be done in 11 month and know so much more stuff then the closer school. Sure it costs a little more but at the other school if I wanted to learn more I would have to go first there for 12 months then go to another school for 9 months, which in the end would cost me more time and money than going to the first school. I've honestly never been so excited in my whole life about going to school and doing something im very sure I'll love. So this next week I'm calling both school and setting up days to go talk to them. I don't want to start till the fall though, I want to spend the rest of my summer with my babies and try to find a babysitting for the days I have to be at school and branden has to be at work. There is only one problem I'm afraid of, I looked into getting a grant for it and the grant said I missed the deadline. But still gives me the option to fill it out and apply so I will have to talk with the schools on that part. Still very very excited but nervous too.
My whole life I feel like I've been trying to please everyone, my parents, and friends. That has never gotten me anywhere in life. I mean if you look at my life now you would see that. I try to please my parents when it comes to being with Branden. Ha like that will ever happen, they already made up their mind about him long ago. Him and I have been almost together for a year( longest relationship I've ever had). We plan to get married here soon enough. He asked my dad like a gentleman and my dad said no. I feel my dad will never approve of him or anyone. I'm not going to let that stop me. I'll get married when Branden and I feel it's best and of course all my family will be invited. It's up to them if they come. I'm done trying to please everyone. It's my turn and if people don't like it then that sucks for them.

Forever is to short

Finally got Adrianna back last night. So happy to see her but only got to play for like an hour with her because it was already pass her bed time and I could tell she was tired. Today wasn't to bad with her. She seemed a bit sick though, since she puked on herself and I. So I kept a close eye on what she ate and drank and checked to make sure she didn't have a fever. Her and I played for a long time today and I put her to bed early, since we have to get up around 8 tomorrow to get our brakes fixed and a bracket to hold up the exhaust pipe so that when we go back again for our safety test it will pass this time. This blazer has given me such a headache since we got it but we're almost there. Thank God. When I said a headache I wasn't joking either I've been beyond stressed about it. When I'm stressed I guess its best not to be around me because I tend to take it out on others. Like Branden I feel so bad that I took things out on him. We had 3 days together without Adrianna and I wanted to spend time with each other instead I caused both of us to be stressed. He's so great though. I love him we fight sometimes but not all the time and when we do fight we tend to always talk it out before we go to bed. I don't know how I would get through things if I didn't have him. He is always supportive of anything I want to do and always so willing to help me with things. He even gets up with Adrianna in the mornings when I'm not awake yet so that I can rest more. He has done so much for Adrianna and I, and I thank him for everything. He works all the time (even overtime most weeks) at his full time job as a cook. Its not that great of a place but it pays bills for now. As soon as we get this car legal I told him if he wanted to get a new job to go for it because trust me I would love for him to be home at night with us. I hate him working nights but we don't have any other options right now. I'm pregnant so my chances of getting hired anywhere are close to none plus then we would have to find a babysitter for Adrianna and that would add to our bills each month. So right now its best that I stay home with her. I guess I'm just really thankful that I have someone great. Last night I couldn't sleep because Branden kept moving in his sleep and I had a really bad headache. Well as I was laying there trying to sleep I was watching him sleep. (not in a creepy way) Sometimes life gets so crazy and busy I forget to breathe. Watching him made me think that we have only been together for 5 beautiful months (which to some isn't that long) but we have done a lot in the time and have been through a lot. Anytime I'm upset or mad he sits down and talks to me. He's not only the man I love but he's my best friend. I can tell him anything and know that we will get through the up and down together. We always say that we love each other forever and always. That means there is no walking away, but instead means we sit down and talk about how we will get through whatever it is the best way we can. Forever seems so long to some but most people don't even live to be 100 so forever isn't long at all. Forever is to short but if I had to spend it with someone I would pick Branden every time!

Today.

So Monday we found out we were having a girl, Which was great. I was a little disappointed because I wanted a boy sooo bad but I'm still very happy. I was great to watch Branden get all excited watching our baby move around during the ultrasound! : ) So awhile back we decided on names if a boy we were going to name him Aiden Ray and if a girl Faith Marie. So we are still sticking with Faith Marie. I think it will be great that Adrianna will have a sister close to her age, maybe they will be really close. Today we have to go to the DMV to get our car legal so Adrianna has been over at my mom's for the past two night which was a nice break for me but I miss her a lot now. Its so quiet in the house without her. Last night I was on my Pinterest when I found a cute picture of a mother with her child, you could tell there was something wrong with his skin so I clicked on the link. I then read about how he had Junctional Epidermolysis Bullosa. I wont lie it made me start crying reading it. I read her web page and looked at pictures and videos of Tripp and I wasn't sad for him as much seeing that yes he is in pain everyday but he was a very smart happy little boy. I got sad because I have a healthy daughter and I feel that at times I can be a better mother to her. So I'm going to start working on being the best mother I can be to her.

                                                                Baby Faith

                                                                  Miss Adrianna